Agradecido / Grateful

At around 5:30am my son’s cries woke me up from a dream that I was having of him. The dream was that of watching him shaving, maybe he was getting ready for work or perhaps a date. Miles was all grown and the thought of my own childhood seeped into my dream, the vision of my Dad shaving was the thought. So when I heard Miles crying, I woke up with such a smile and picked him up, changed his diaper and placed him between his mommy and I to sleep. It has been an old advise not to place your children to sleep between the parents but then again our babies won’t stay forever young, so we will break that rule here and there.

Today is Thanksgiving Day and I really don’t believe in this calendar holiday, but I do believe in being grateful everyday of my life for all the blessings that I have been given. Becoming a parent truly sets life in a whole other perspective, maybe not to everyone, but surely it has changed my life and my priorities towards every breathing moment of my life. I have always pride myself of being a free spirited person and never have I given my decisions way too much thought. My sense of parenthood was not recently changed with the birth of my beloved Miles, but it has been solidified with him. The change kicked in at the birth and passing of my loving Sonia back in 1995, to have experienced such a moment is life changing without a doubt. It is such a drastic and unpredictable experience that it could’ve led me anywhere in life. What it did for me was question my sense of belief in a Higher Spiritual Source of Love. I cannot forget that an integral part of this experience was doubly felt with the ever present love from another child which is my loving Erika. This beloved child simply took over my soul & mind. At the tender age of 4 years Erika taught me a form of unconditional love that has lived in me ever since she claimed me her Dad. Today our relationship is not as stable as I would like it to be but I am to blame for this as well. At the same time when we do hang out, I simply live for that moment. Either way my undying love for her is at all times present and now with the presence of Miles I make it a point to have them present in each other’s life via text messages filled with photos and comments. At times she responds and at other times she remains quiet but I feel her smile in my heart.

So each day of my life I am genuinely grateful to God and reminded of all the bendiciones in my life. I am humbled for every chance that I receive to express my love to those around me. For both of my daughters and my son, the song that lives in my heart is the sound of your cries and laughters. I am deeply in love with you.

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Huh?!!!

What do you write about when you feel you have nothing to say?

I free write until something does come out, but most of the time it’s just blah, blah, blah… The other day Oklahoma suffered that devastating tornado and my immediate thought was to the parents and their children in school. Being a new Dad, the thought of not knowing the condition of my son within such a situation is mind boggling. I honestly cannot sit here and write of whether I would be disturbed but in control or going hysterical looking for my son. All of a sudden my writer’s block has become so miniscule and insignificant, but I also know what to write … my heart and sincere prayers go out to the families of all who are suffering through this natural disaster.

Having experienced the loss of my own child in the past, I can certainly relate to some parents at this moment.  Throughout that loss, my faith was challenged with such severity.  No religion, icon or words ever helped or gave me answers.  Only time, self reflection, plenty of free writing of the soul and on-going questioning is what kept me sane, accompanied by plenty of yelling and uncontrollable crying.  With way over a year of time and slow meditative breathing I came to realize the point of my loss and acceptance of it.  But in all honesty it is never fully healed, till this day the mention of my daughter, Sonia, is still experienced.  A sense of nostalgia and loss is inevitable, but a smile appears with the acknowledgement that I have an angel looking over me and my family.

How I went about my loss is not for everyone, so figure out your own path and do not be afraid to walk at your own pace.

Keep the faith strong, believe, breathe and come to your own terms.  God bless!!!